The topic this week is "A Day in the Life." Not sure why anyone would care, since my days aren't filled with glamorous book tours, long lunches with my publisher, or drinks with Sue Grafton. But here's what happened yesterday, a very typical day in my life as a writer...
6:00 am – Still asleep. Are you kidding me? Who wakes up at this hour when they don't have to?
7:00 am – Open one eye. Find three cats sleeping on my legs. Legs are numb. Dreamed I was paralyzed.
7:05 am – Yell at husband to bring me the newspaper. Read every inch to avoid getting out of bed, even what’s on TV tonight. Read obits to see if anyone my age has died. Find the article on Grandmother Who Stole Her Grandchild particularly intriguing. Wonder why a grandparent would do that? I love my grandchildren but I can’t wait to give them back after a couple of hours. Maybe there’s a book in it.
7:30 am –Roll myself out of bed, trying not to disturb cats. Head for shower, but take another ten minutes to do the crossword puzzle before actually getting in.
7:45 am – Put on makeup so I don’t frighten my cats or grandchildren. Do hair and realize I need a haircut. Plan haircut as my “fun” break from writing today.
8:00 am – Feed cats, pour myself orange juice, take drugs, go to couch, and open laptop, ignoring filthy mess of a house. Was going to clean it on Saturday but didn’t want to waste my time in case of Rapture. Open Yahoo and read headlines—Jeff Conaway from “Grease” in hospital; stolen baby returned to her parents and grandma in jail; Harold Camping has set a new date just before Halloween. Will be pissed if he cancels my favorite holiday.
8:30 am – Check email. Respond to request for guest blog. Ignore irate letter regarding my gall bladder article. Watch six videos from my cousin featuring funny animals. Panic at note from my webmaster saying he doesn’t have time to keep up with all my demands. Reply to a dozen Facebook comments on my gall bladder surgery.
9:00 am - Read Publisher’s Lunch to find out how much other writers are making. Read Murder Must Advertise and realize I know nothing about “tagging.” Skim DorothyL and spot a nice mention about my latest book (must send a gift basket). Open Sisters in Crime e-book edition newsletter and learn that e-books are outselling regular books by bazillions (must find a way to become the next Amanda Hocking). Delete reminder that my blog is due at Lady Killers tomorrow. Check Google Alerts and realize the article about head lice is about a different Penny Warner.
9:30 am – Have nothing left to read so decide I’d better write something, since I have a book due in two months and am only half way through. Wish I had a margarita.
11:30 am – Fingers worn to the bone from typing. Brain worn out from fictitiously killing people, then trying to figure out what happens next. Hungry.
Noon – Time for a special treat—a cheap haircut that turns out badly—followed by a trip to Target for no reason other than to get some exercise walking the aisles and maybe buy some candy bars. Eat a pizza while I’m there to replenish energy.
1:00 pm – Exhausted from Target exercise and sleepy from eating Target pizza. Check what’s on Syfy, FX, Chiller, Lifetime, and AMC. Tape two movies for future viewing (“Category 5: Day of Destruction” and “Child’s Play 3”) and take a nap.
3:00 pm – Wake up in a cold sweat to find grandkids standing over my bed staring at me yelling “She’s awake! She’s awake!” Play with them for the next couple of hours instead of getting back to work. Maybe there’s a book in it.
5:00 pm – Say goodbye to grandkids and have a glass of wine. Wonder if there’s still time in my life to become an alcoholic. Watch news and discover grandmother who stole grandchild is insane. No kidding.
6:00 pm – Eat dinner of leftovers—chicken thigh, corn on cob, rice, Chinese takeout, and egg salad. Take Zantac and other drugs and wash them down with another glass of wine.
7:00 pm – Check emails again and answer them. Work on ideas for next chapter. Brainstorm marketing ideas. Stalk Amanda Hocking’s blog. Wonder if I can turn my old half-finished manuscripts into best-selling e-books and make two million. Get ideas for six new books while reading Number One Bestseller: “Go the F**k To Sleep” by Adam Mansbach, but realize I don’t have time to write any of them since I’m too busy reading emails, watching grandkids, shopping at Target, drinking wine, and watching Lifetime.
8:00 pm – Watch tapes of “House,” “Breaking In,” “Mentalist,” “Castle,” and “Cupcake Wars.”
10:00 pm – Go to bed and read one of 20 cozy mysteries piled on my nightstand—this one called “False Impressions” by Terri Thayer, a rubber stamping mystery. Can’t put it down until I find out what happened to Mary Lou’s missing brother…
11:00 pm – Fall asleep and dream about being stamped to death by my own grandchildren the day before the next rapture... Maybe there's a book in it.
Important for all of day jobbers to note that it's not *really* the day job that slows us down.
Thanks for the smiles, Penny!
Posted by: Mysti | May 25, 2011 at 09:28 AM
Thanks for the comment, Mysti.
Time for another glass of wine....
Posted by: penny warner | May 25, 2011 at 09:39 AM
Penny, Except for the time of day we write (see Tuesday's LK), it looks like we lead the same sort of glamorous but self-disciplined existence. Note that I'm writing this at 10:30 a.m. a perfectly reasonable hour in which to be working.
Posted by: Susan C Shea | May 25, 2011 at 10:36 AM
Susan, at 10:30 you should be on a break!
Posted by: penny warner | May 25, 2011 at 10:53 AM
Penny - you're hilarious! Made me laugh! xoxoxo!
Posted by: Diana Orgain | May 25, 2011 at 11:48 AM
Diana, have you been drinking too?
Posted by: penny warner | May 25, 2011 at 12:57 PM
Penny, it's like we're leading a double life! I've been following that grandmother story all week, and I just got back from Target! Maybe I should be writing right now...
Posted by: Staci | May 25, 2011 at 01:39 PM
Staci, are you stalking me? It won't help....
Posted by: penny warner | May 25, 2011 at 01:43 PM
You know, when I read about the missing baby, I thought it might be the nanny. ... Mystery writers, always theorizing!
Glad it was a story with a happy ending!
Posted by: Ann | May 25, 2011 at 07:26 PM
Ann, I thought the same thing! Couldn't believe it was the grandmother, who pretended to be pregnant, had a shower for her baby, took a taxi with the baby down to LA, and is nearly 60!
Posted by: penny warner | May 25, 2011 at 07:34 PM
You are so funny. You make me LOL. (that's so I seem computer savvy. I'm not.)
You really do have a book like some of the above.
Rita
Posted by: rita lakin | May 25, 2011 at 10:39 PM
Hi Rita,
You always make me LMFAO...
Posted by: penny warner | May 26, 2011 at 08:25 AM
Penny, you are outrageously funny! Where have you been all my life?!
Heading off to order HOW TO CRASH A KILLER BASH right now!(Just after I pour a glass of wine before dinner.;))
Posted by: Lynn in Texas | May 26, 2011 at 04:43 PM
Hi Lynn,
Yes, my books are best read under the influence...
(Thanks for the kind words.)
Posted by: penny warner | May 26, 2011 at 04:45 PM
Penny, I was just showing off when I wrote LOL. It's the only one of computerspeak I know. So, what's LMFAO?
I assume the L is laugh.
Is it laugh my face at owls? (tee hee)LOL
or: loathe my facebook and others?
I give up. Put me out of my misery.
Rita
Posted by: rita lakin | May 28, 2011 at 07:32 PM
Rita,
I think you've started a whole new code system!
I LOVE Laughing My Face at Owls and Loathe My Facebook and Others! Brilliant.
Much better than Laughing My Fat A** Off....
Posted by: penny warner | May 30, 2011 at 01:53 PM