Crime, Schmime! Horror is Where It's At

So, when it comes to movies, I don't like mine crime filled. I like them filled with grainy psychological twists or with teenagers making bad decisions and being unable to outrun a killer who is merely walking. And not particularly fast, either.

Horror movies are good, clean fun. Wanna write one? Let's do it! Let's write a horror movie!

Okay, start:

Our main character is (a) a virtuous, virginal co-ed (b) a rough around the edges new kid who (really) has a heart of gold under his 1980's Corey Haim leather jacket.

Our setting is (a) an ambiguous coastal town with 25 inhabitants, half whom are high school students and one who is a weathered old man who frowns, grumbles, and gives one of our female characters "the creeps." (b) a college campus bustling with unbridled college hormones and red party cups on the eve of "the biggest party of the year."

Our hero/heroines parent's will (a) have been killed in a car crash, leaving him/her the ward of some long-lost aunt (b) be on some sort of business/vacation trip where they are unreachable.

Our killer will wield (a) a kitchen style butcher knife/random machete (b) a hook for a hand

And he will disguise himself with (a) a mask (sports masks/melted William Shatner masks make particularly good covers) (b) a hood, worn at just the right angle so that no one can see the face inside

Our killer (a) will slightly speed up his gait but will never run* (*Sorry; there are no optional choices here)

Our town police will be (a) lovably incompetent killer fodder (b) "We don't believe you, New Kid," killer fodder

Our first character to die is (a) the slutty friend (b) the mouthy boyfriend of the slutty friend

And will be killed (a) graphically, with standard weapon (b) in the midst of a non-virtuous activity like having sex or being drop-dead drunk with a lesson

And her body will be hidden (a) in the outside refrigerator (b) in a closet to be discovered/to fall upon an unsuspecting screaming character

Once everyone has been scraped away, our hero/heroine will come face-to-mask with our killer, but try and hide by (a) running upstairs and locking herself in the bathroom (b) running upstairs and hiding in a closet with slatted doors

The obligatory shot of the killer's boots standing in front of our hidden hero/heroine will happen when (a) she is hidden under the bed or (b) she is looking through the slats/under the door

Our hero/heroine will come face-to-mask with our killer but this time, put up a mighty fight. By our hero/heroine's brute force, our killer will (a) crash through a second story window and look dead (b) fall over a second story banister and look dead

At which time our exhausted hero/heroine will (a) fall to her knees, crying and hugging herself over her now bloodied tank top (b) hug the remaining survivor and breathlessly declare "it's over, it's over, we're safe now."

Then, she'll look over the banister/out the window and realize (a) our killer has disappeared*(*Sorry; there are no optional choices here)

She will tenatively walk down the stairs only to find that (a) her car keys are there but her car doesn't work (b) all the phone lines have been cut... and the killer shows up again!

Our hero/heroine will run, and seem to be making good time until she trips over (a) a log (b) a different kind of log

And she will (a) hurt her ankle (b) get her ankle/pantleg stuck on the offending log

The killer will be closing in on her with his (a) slow, pacing walk (b) slightly faster slow, pacing walk

There will be a mighty fight but our heroine will deafeat our killer by (a) pushing him into a fire so his death is not guaranteed for the sequel (b) swinging an ax to the head (though that still doesn't guarantee his death for the sequel)

~FIN~

 

Comments

[Mysti Berry]

The scariest horror movie I ever saw, though it's not classified as such, was Angel at My Table, about the poet Janet Frame, directed by Jane Campion. I've always wondered if anyone else saw it that way?

There was a time when burgeoning directorial talent (not as often screenwriters) got great experience in cheap horror films. This new-blood creativity coupled with lack of crushing oversight produced some pretty interesting movies, like the original Black Cat or Curse of the Demon (both of which are also claimed by some noir schools of thought).

Since the early 1980s, though, not so much. "A" budgets and "B" scripts ruined the genre as a place to find surprising talent, IMHO. Okay, Peter Jackson and the Frighteners is an exception, I guess.

I miss the days when you could stumble across a Susperia or Phantom of the Paradise though...

[rita lakin]

Well done. You aced it.
They were corny...but great date movies, if I can remember that far back.
It always amazed me that Roger Corman and his wife (I did meet them) were incredible intellectuals and also rich. So I wondered why they only made drek movies.
Or is that what got them rich?

[Pat Morin]

Well done! I'm impressed. Reminds me of all those "Halloween" movies I loved-- ah, many years ago. I would just add the phone call. :)

[Ann]

I well remember Night of the Living Dead, Carrie (eeek!!), Alien, Psycho ... I managed to get through them psychologically intact (mostly). But The Exorcist really did me in.
I loved your "plot summary" Hannah! :-) All we need is the creepy music to go with it!

[Terry Shames]

Whew! I thought for a few minutes you weren't going to have a scene in the woods, but you came through. Good job!

[Michael A. Black]

Good job, Hannah. I think I've seen the movie you described. (Quite a few times.)