"You're just wordsmithing me!" A common lament when receiving critiques of a work. But it's a dangerous rebuttal to hide behind.
Why? Do readers really notice the minor changes a writer makes, whether at the behest of a talented editor or her own inner demons? With the blurt-and-go habits that social media has wrought, does anyone really care about fine editing anymore?
Turns out, more than I suspected.
My example comes from a humongous software company, (not my employer) who has me under a non-disclosure agreement, so I can't share all the details. But here's the gist:
Imagine a website where people share memories. Joe, for example, can post his favorite shot of Jill. But that favorite shot is of Jill doing tequila shots in her bikini.
I don't know this Jill. But she looks like a nice girl! Probably her first drink ever.
Jill is trying to get hired by a financial services firm. All the partners do tequila shots, but not when cameras are clicking.
When Jill discovers Joe's photo of her, she can press a button on the site and ask the administrator to take down the picture. But there aren't any rules against sharing photos of non-naked tequila shot consumption. Now imagine there are millions of Joes and Jills out there, every day. And imagine how mad Jill gets at her friend and at the site. Big problem!
The site adapts by giving Jill the option of directly asking her friend to remove the photo. Without special wordsmithing, the message has potential to damage Joe and Jill's friendship. The site needs these people to get along, and wants them to remain friends and associate their site with good times, not conflict.
What's a software company to do?
They provide sample text, which most customers do not alter, for Jill to send to Joe directly: "Would you mind removing this photo of me?"
Sounds polite, right? Well, it turns out far less than 100% of customers receiving such a message accept it. But would you believe nearly 100% of customers DO respond by removing the photo in question when the sample text is changed to "Would you please remove this photo of me?" And further, a vast majority of surveyed users report being pleased with the process and each other?
That's right. Simply changing two words in the sentence bumped it up a notch on the politeness scale, and changed the behavior of millions of people.
Think about that for a moment. Two words changed the behavior of millions of people.
Where emotions are concerned, the power of even a single word is immense.
It does matter to readers whether or not you make sixteen editing passes to remove your favorite cliches and go-to words. Every word matters, no matter if it is user interface text in a social media website, or the words of fiction that gather a reader up and take her on the journey of a lifetime.
Ask your favorite writer about his or her list. That list of things they go plowing through their own manuscript for, to remove, before sending it out to their agent or book editor. Each of us has a slightly different list, and I've never heard of one that was short.
For example, I can't stop myself from writing an extra sentence at the end of many paragraphs. But I can cut them out with the precision and speed of a surgeon before anyone else sees them.
As you read, you can sense the "rules" by which your favorite author works: Hammett's terseness, Burke's lush descriptions, Lippman's focus on emotion and everyday language, Littlefield's humor, Blackwell's warmth and artistic detail, Parker's constant questioning of manliness, power, and justice. What words pull you in to an author's world? And how much does a mistake in the 'wordsmithing' distract you?
Mysti, great anecdote! It really shows how using the right words can impact a lot of people. The trick is to find out which words!
Posted by: Staci | January 21, 2013 at 08:20 AM
I have a class exercise where I ask people to change/add/subtract one word in one of their sentences to give depth, change the meaning, etc. Sample words with such power: AGAIN, STILL, and other time words. Also, using A or THE or no article matters.
Now I have more fuel for the exercise. Thanks. You're such a good instigator, Mysti!
Posted by: camille minichino | January 21, 2013 at 09:30 AM
Mysti, Technically "would you mind" and "would you please" have different meaning. One could answer "Yes, I mind" to the first - and is implicitly given permission to do so. Even if they say "No I wouldn't mind," that doesn't mean they have agreed to do it, only that they won't mind if you now ask them to do it. But "would you please" is a direct request and is much harder to refuse without appearing unfriendly or hostile. Yup, wordsmithing, big time!
Posted by: Susan Shea | January 21, 2013 at 04:20 PM
I'm struggling with wordsmithing now, and, for me, the complex meaning of the sentence. If fact, I'm taking a workshop given by Tom Jenks of Narrative Magazine to help me with those one or two words that make all the difference, and finding the right substitute(s) while still maintaining my voice. Wonderful example! LOVE the lesser known editing symbols.
Posted by: Pat Morin | January 21, 2013 at 05:26 PM
Susan--exactly, according the research, directness *adds* to politeness, indirectness (in American English, anyway) doesn't. I was surprised.
Thank you everyone for the great comments!
Posted by: Mysti Berry | January 21, 2013 at 07:45 PM
Ah, the power of "please" is not to be underestimated. :-) I imagine we all generate little lists of "empty" words or phrases we use when we're winging through that first draft and need to examine/excise in the rewrite/edit. "Shrug" is one of my not-quite-conscious favorites. Another author I know has people sipping coffee frequently. Not that these words/phrases are bad, they just need to be used wisely and at a frequency that doesn't rise to the conscious level for the reader.
Posted by: Ann | January 22, 2013 at 08:04 AM
Love your chart.
Posted by: rita lakin | January 23, 2013 at 05:08 PM